Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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