I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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