Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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