shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
