Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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