Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
