It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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