Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
