So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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