My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
