She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
