Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
