Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My dick has a subreddit
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
