i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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