and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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