Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
