Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
