Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
