i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
