i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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