the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
