im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
