But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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