Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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