she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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