i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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