I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
