Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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