I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I need to calm my uterus...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
