too bad you live with your parents still
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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