Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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