Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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