If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
