You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
