Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
you are never too drunk for berry picking
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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