can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
