it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
me + whiskey = a bad person
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
