No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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