Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
