I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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