At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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