Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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