if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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