hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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