I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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