Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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