I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize