i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize