My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
