Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
