you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
