So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize