Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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