just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
