My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
