you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
