he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
