So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
