I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
